The Ice Pirates (1984)

I guess I can't really blame anyone for not knowing this movie or, if they grew up during the 1980s, forgetting it existed.  It is a strange science fiction film, one of many riding the coattails of Star Wars, that popped up in the late '70s and early '80s.  By all accounts it was supposed to be a big budget space opera with modern special effects and a serious good versus evil story set among a galaxy that resembled medieval Europe.  

Unfortunately, MGM encountered financial problems - something it seems MGM has been the constant victim of for over 40 years - and the bank said no movie they did could exceed eight million dollars.  So, instead of an epic movie about the search for a planet loaded with water, written by Stanford Sherman (who was one of the writers for Krull), director Stewart Raffill had to rewrite Sherman's script to make it a comedy.  Even then the turmoil at MGM resulted in studio interference to the point where, when finally released, The Ice Pirates was a disjointed mess. 

Jason (Robert Urich) commands a pirate ship with his first made Roscoe (Michael D. Roberts) and fellow buccaneers Zeno (Ron Perlman) and Maida (Anjelica Houston), as well as a bevy of malfunctioning robots.  A drawn-out galactic war has left the Empire with limited water resources, most locked up on the planet Mithra and controlled by the Templars, who themselves seek to control the Empire with their monopoly on water.  Since water is the main currency Jason and other pirates make it their job to liberate ice from transports whenever possible.

When Jason also tries to liberate Princess Karina (Mary Crosby), he and Roscoe get caught, but it turns out she is concerned about what the Templars have done to her father.  He had been searching for the fabled Seventh World, said to have abundant water resources that would replenish the galaxy's supply.  Unfortunately, the evil Templar Zorn (Jeremy West) is in pursuit, hoping their quest will lead them to the Seventh World and ultimate control of all water in the galaxy.

The only two parts I remembered out of this was something about space herpes (it's a little alien that gets aboard the ship) and the castration machine.  Believe me - something like that sticks in one's mind, even after 30-plus years.  The rest of the movie had pretty much faded from memory, though I soon remembered this was the movie with the jive-talking pimp robot as well.  They used parts of the set from Logan's Run, had space effects that were barely better than Dune and, to top it off, everyone fighting with medieval weaponry - although Jason pulls out a blaster every now and then.  I forgot to mention the Templars go around in chainmail, looking like they are cosplaying Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  

This does have Anjelica Houston in skimpy warrior outfits (similar to Sybil Danning in Battle Beyond the Stars) and Ron Perlman in his second feature film (his first was Quest for Fire).  Most of the leads, however, were television actors, including Robert Urich, Mary Crosby and Michael D. Roberts.  This certainly helped keep the costs down, as at the time television was considered a lesser form of entertainment, with movies being the step up.  Unfortunately, The Ice Pirates really didn't do much to turn its cast into big stars, and they went right back to television careers afterward. 

Not being a movie I remembered well, I can't say that I was hoping for it to be better.  There are interesting scenes, particularly the final battle which happens aboard ship during a time warp (everyone ages rapidly throughout the fight).  Raffill and company throw in an homage to Mad Max 2 with a scene where the heroes are attacked in the desert by bounty hunters.  Some of the dialogue is clever, but the movie itself is all over the place in tone, one moment riffing on science fiction clichés and the next looking like a sequel to Starcrash.  Another problem is that Zorn is a horrible villain, and too many other bad guys pop up during the course to really provide any focus on him.  

That said, it can be fun to watch when in the right mood, and like a lot of movies from its time it really pushes the limit on that PG rating.  It does help that the cast obviously knows what type of movie they're in.  With a better director some of the chaos could have been reigned in, allowing for the better parts of the movie to shine.  As it is, a much better science fiction spoof, Spaceballs, was released three years later.  

The Ice Pirates (1984)

Time: 91 minutes

Starring: Robert Urich, Mary Crosby, Michael D. Roberts

Director: Stewart Raffill